


the best way to move on is to spend every waking hour regretting your mistakes

by protag



Series: Trickstar Disbandment AU [2]
Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, M/M, can be stand alone but the series has some continuity, mao is sad the fic, mostly keimao but not the most shippy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22047994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protag/pseuds/protag
Summary: because if mao didn't make it to the stage in time, trickstar would have been disqualified and lost to knights.
Relationships: Hasumi Keito/Isara Mao
Series: Trickstar Disbandment AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1471742
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	the best way to move on is to spend every waking hour regretting your mistakes

“That’s enough. Take a break.” Keito’s stern voice called a pause to Akatsuki’s performance. 

Souma dutifully moved to pass out a drink to each of his comrades, Kuro playfully teased him about wasting more energy still by moving like that.

And Mao simply stood in place, empty eyes staring down at the fan he was holding. Just slightly, that hand shook but it wasn’t from exhaustion like you could assume.

Sure, when it came to Trickstar it was Subaru and Hokuto who stood out as incredibly talented. He’d been at peace with that. Because even though he and Makoto slipped behind, Trickstar came together. That passion and common goal would make them all shine brilliantly.

As Mao remembered the only time they truly got to connect like that was when they defeated Akatsuki he wanted to laugh at himself for the way he ended up played.

But here… With Akatsuki? Mao didn’t need to hear it from anyone else. He could tell he was weighing them down. He was managing to learn the dances and keep up but it was something less about pure talent. It was about belonging.

Akatsuki as a four person unit felt off. Every existing piece they’d had was put together with the image of three powerfully and equally striking members.

They were too kind to say it (though Souma was sometimes just on the cusp of it with how blunt he could be) but Mao knew it was true. He was doing more harm than good. He didn’t belong there.

But Trickstar was no more. He had nowhere else to go.

Being welcomed into Akatsuki had really been little more than a way to protect him from trying to find a path on his own. And he really knew there wasn’t one. Especially not now.

Even when Keito had encouraged him to go back when they thought he stood the chance, the decision wasn’t his to make anymore.

Anzu in disguise was the only one on stage. Subaru had run off promising to find and return with Makoto. He raised his hopes so much. Mao thought all he had to do was keep the stage warm with Anzu. Even without Hokuto the three of them could have dreamed big enough to succeed.

But Subaru didn’t return in time. There was no way they were strong enough. No… It wasn’t on Anzu. She wasn’t an idol, it should have never been her responsibility. 

The truth of the matter was that it was his fault Trickstar disbanded. He couldn’t even try to shift the blame onto Eichi. If he hadn’t been a coward, if he had stayed strong like Subaru and backed him up Hokuto wouldn’t have gotten scared and Makoto wouldn’t have been silenced.

It was all his fault. It was all his fault.

Even when he had his chance, he was right there singing and dancing his heart out. Fighting with all his strength to try and make up for how lonely their performances were when it wasn’t four. When it wasn’t the right four.

He failed. He was too weak. 

And Subaru had called him a magician? If he was meant to be capable of miracles and saving the day that would have been his moment. He let them all down.

He let himself down. And then he just slunk back to Akatsuki with his tail between his legs.

“Isara.” His name was said forcefully, a bottle shoved against his cheek finally snapping him out of it.

He tried to look sheepish and apologize, but Keito wasn’t done speaking to him.

“I said rest. When your head isn’t in it your body can’t be either. No… It’s your heart I’m worried about most.” Keito said, his words immediately striking Mao as being much less of a lecture than he had been expecting.

“There’s no need to push it so hard Danna. He’ll either heal and get stronger with us or… Well, y’know.” Kuro spoke up, making the guilt in Mao grow even stronger.

But of course he responded by bowing his head, “Sorry. I might take up meditation or something like you suggested Vice Pres. This is a serious group. You guys deserve my best.”

Mao was surprised such empty words could make his tongue feel so heavy.

Keito shook his head, “It’s not like Akatsuki has any plans to start doing lives soon. I’d rather you focus on adjusting and becoming comfortable. There is no point in you being here if you cannot thrive.”

“And if he never reaches our standards we will just perform without him.” Souma interjected, eyes clear and fiery. 

Mao felt his stomach drop, but the hostility wasn’t too unexpected. Souma had felt betrayed when he fought against him with Trickstar, and even after they went and beat Akatsuki and hurt their reputation they just went and disbanded. It was like their efforts and victory had been for nothing.

He almost felt a little better knowing someone else was resenting him just as much. Mao really felt he should be suffering for his choices. It would have all been so much simpler if he hadn’t tried to fight with those guys at all. 

“Kanzaki.” Keito said crossly, prepared to scold him for treating him too harshly but Mao raised a hand to stop him. 

“No. He’s right. There’s no way I can just stand with Akatsuki when Hasumi-senpai took me in because he pitied me. I’ll earn the right to stand on stage with you. Until I can do good enough I will keep practising.” Mao said it feeling a lot more determined than he really felt. But they were pretty words and he was good with those. 

“Maybe we should call it quits. When you keep making the same mistakes taking a breather should help. Step away and come back more prepared.” Kuro said, giving an out. 

Mao suspected it was more to give Souma time to settle his temper than it was for him but he appreciated it all the same. 

“... You’re right. Just as much as Isara has to adjust to how Akatsuki performs, we will have to adjust to having a fourth member. Forcing it won’t make it any easier. It’s a new chapter for our unit. We all have room for growth. Dismissed.” Keito ended things rather formally.

Mao and Souma moved quick to handle cleaning up, Mao felt like just running away but he still felt he’d need to grovel and show his best behaviour to belong.

“I’m going on ahead then. Tetsu had said something about going to train himself, knowing that kid he’d still be at it.” Kuro said his goodbye, fondness twinkling in his eyes. 

His skin was crawling all over again. Just what did he think he was doing sitting amongst such good and caring people?

“I think I will visit my club as well.” Souma announced.

Mao was prepared to leave after them but was stopped by a hand on his arm. 

When Keito spoke it was clear it wasn’t a request, “You’re coming with me Isara, you don’t have any other plans anyway.”

Mao laughed slightly, straightening himself up to be ready to go “Student council work? I’m happy to help.” He had a feeling there was more to it.

Keito pushed up his glasses, expression painfully unclear as to his intentions. 

“No. Now come along.” Keito waited at the doorway intending to lead him along.

Mao had felt like making some kind of remark but didn’t have the energy, especially when it wouldn’t really feel funny or lightening the mood at all. He wasn’t good at that, not the way Trickstar had been. 

He immediately shut down that train of thought. It wouldn’t do him any good to keep thinking of them. (How many times had he reminded himself that now?)

Mao was willingly following Keito despite the strangeness, he trusted his senior plenty enough. He only slowed to a stop when it was clear they were making their way to the basketball courts. He’d been avoiding club and Subaru from the first day Eichi ordered them to disband. 

He still hadn’t been back and made all the efforts he could to avoid crossing paths with him around school. He didn’t feel ready to face Subaru. Chiaki wouldn’t be any easier considering how much of a meddler that guy could be. 

Mao took a step back, eyes flickering down and mind racing to come up with an excuse but Keito’s gaze froze him in place.

His face looked much more gentle than it had any right being.

“You can leave if you want to but I’d hope by now you’ve learned running away doesn’t do anything. I do wonder if I have the right to lecture others on this though.” Keito’s voice grew softer by the end but his point was already made.

Mao felt anchored down enough by the guilt he swallowed nervously and stepped passed his senior to throw open the gym doors. 

The court was empty, which made him feel able to breathe again even if it confused him plenty too. It took Mao a moment to remember the basketball club didn’t meet on that day at all. He may have been skipping for a while but he still knew the basic schedule.

Keito followed him in, taking his time as he walked passed Mao to grab a ball that had been left in the middle of the court. It was unusual. Enough so that Mao had to wonder why he didn’t notice it right away. Even without him there the club was usually diligent at cleaning up. 

Keito supplied him with the answer on his own, “I asked Morisawa to let us borrow the court and a ball.”

“Sorry I…? I really think you’re going to have to actually explain what’s going on. You’re not exactly athletic Vice President.” Mao said, feeling slow. 

“We’re not in the student council room. I’m talking to you as the leader of Akatsuki so only refer to me as such.” Keito scolded swiftly, irritation showing a bit at the jab. 

As if trying to prove a point Keito stood there and bounced the ball a couple of times. He was so serious it would almost be comical.

Keito bounced the ball to him without a comment, Mao caught it and held it awkwardly.

“Right. Hasumi-senpai what did you want from me? If you wanted to play I’m sure Morisawa-senpai would have been happy to let you join in.” Mao said, of course he didn’t really think that was the answer but he was fishing for the truth. 

Keito scoffed, “I just wanted to borrow the court to play with you. I read some sports manga and double checked the rules with Morisawa so I’m confident we can do a proper one on one. I won’t accept you going easy on me.”

Mao wondered if he had fallen asleep in class because it didn’t feel like something that could be real. Keito was pulling up the sleeves of his tracksuit as if that was showing off how serious he was. 

“Manga huh… Well that’s just like you. I don’t have any superpowers to make the game interesting or intense though.” Mao said, a weak laugh slipping past.

Keito didn’t get mad at him, he smirked of all possible reactions. “You don’t need superpowers to make things interesting. This is a test and if you fail you can expect the lecture of a lifetime.”

Mao mulled over his words for a moment, Keito had finally given a hint but he didn’t know for sure what he meant by it. If it was some test about keeping a place in Akatsuki it made more sense for it to be related to idol skills.

If it was a matter of his position in the student council he could buy it a bit. He had been betraying them and Yuzuru was there more than capable of taking over his role. The setting was still weird but he figured Keito must have been fishing for some kind of reaction. 

Mao finally nodded, knowing he shouldn’t make Keito wait on him just because he was still trying to figure out what was on his senior’s mind. 

He started bouncing the ball, green eyes scanning over both sides of Keito. Archery didn’t really have any skills that could be helpful in basketball and while Keito was far from unfit Mao knew he really had the advantage in every way. 

Don’t go easy on him, Keito had said that even knowing that, didn’t he? It’s not like Keito was someone who enjoyed losing and Mao felt strange about having to have such a one sided match.

Mao found himself able to maneuver around Keito pretty easily. The bespectacled boy had the height advantage on him but it wasn’t enough to gap the bridge of experience. Mao was able to move faster and had decent enough accuracy able to score most of the time when he took a shot. 

It was when he was a few points-nil over Keito he slowed and stopped, holding the ball rather than preparing for their next round. 

“Vice- Er Hasumi-senpai how many points are we even playing until?” Mao asked, it wasn’t exactly what had been on his mind but it was still a good question. 

Keito was brief in answering, “As many as it takes. Is that all?”

Just a bit Mao felt some frustration. Keito wouldn’t be doing it for no reason but he felt stupid not being able to understand what he wanted from him.

“That doesn’t exactly answer it… I mean- If we’re going to stay especially late I should probably text ahead to let my parents know.” Mao added quickly. What was he doing speaking like that? He didn’t have the right. 

Something shifted in Keito’s expression and he expected some scolding for that too but it didn’t come. 

Keito shook his head, “If that’s all you have to say let’s keep playing.”

Okay. So he was definitely expecting something. Mao just pushed his feelings aside, he’d figure it out or Keito would give up on him. Whatever came first.

With another basket down and tiredness starting to set in Mao had to stop again, looking at Keito as if to ask if that much had been enough. 

“Are you getting fed up yet?” Keito said, clearly a bit short on breath himself. 

“I don’t know if that’s the word for it…” Mao replied, crouching a bit to give himself a break. 

“Then what is the word?” Keito pressed, making Mao sigh slightly. 

Mao pulled himself up feeling as though it was far from over. “I’m just getting tired. But if you want us to keep it up we will.”

Keito’s face hardened, “Try putting the ball down. If this is too easy for you than do a handstand.” 

Mao had to stare for a moment, making sure he really heard the out of nowhere request. 

“What? Why would you need me to do that? Is this still some test? I’m really not getting it you have to tell me.” Mao’s frustration was bubbling. If he overstepped he could just bow his head and apologize until Keito was satisfied but he really couldn’t take not knowing.

Keito was silent for longer than expected before he finally responded, “So you are still capable of speaking up? So you can still think for yourself?”

“I… Of course I can.” Mao said, swallowing hard. 

He hadn’t been counting on a call-out for his cowardice. Bowing his head to every insult and scrambling to do any request because he needed to work hard to prove he wasn’t a traitor anymore. That he didn’t have to be thrown away. 

“If I hadn’t told you not to go easy on me you would have given me the chance to score wouldn’t you? Throwing points so you weren’t beating me so one sidedly. You’re not tired, you’re uncomfortable with winning or struggling against someone with power over you.” Keito started speaking, each word feeling like it was cutting into a layer of the fake okayness Mao had tried so hard to build. 

Mao tried to not look at him, he wanted to come up with an excuse but Keito wasn’t done.

“You’re better than this Isara. The way you were shining with Trickstar wasn’t a mistake. You fought despite the risks. Why the hell have you let losing turn you into a coward?”

Mao felt like his limbs lost their strength, a slight shake overtaking his body. He was afraid.

It's why he avoided Subaru and wouldn't even go to his club. It's why he looked the other way any time he'd pass Makoto in the halls even though he wanted to slap Izumi away from him. It's why even though Hokuto was in his class now he was happy to ignore him always claiming he was just too busy to chat. 

"It isn't losing that made me a coward… I was always a coward. Don't you get that? I'm just showing my true colours." Mao found himself laughing as he spoke. 

His heart was aching so much. Why was he so stupid? He'd tried taking out his feelings on others; he'd snapped at Ritsu and blamed him for letting Izumi do what he wanted.

He'd been avoiding Ritsu since as well. He just kept running away from everyone. Never owning up to his mistakes, preferring to just pretend that nothing happened and that things were fine how they were. 

Mao figured he didn't deserve forgiveness. That was why he couldn't just crawl back and beg for forgiveness. He didn't deserve it.

"Akatsuki doesn't take cowards. Just impulsive idiots." Keito said, the warmth of his voice not reaching Mao like it should have.

Keito had moved forward, holding out a hand for Mao. 

"Your heart is closed to us and to yourself. You won't let others in and you're not forgiving yourself. Kanzaki wants to trust you, Kiryuu is afraid of burning you up and I just want you to take my hand. We're not the group you chose but we won't let you stay drowning in your regrets." 

Keito spoke so firmly Mao felt like a child being soothed. It only made his confused frustration rise up again. Shouldn't Keito have been disappointed in him too? Keito had tried to help back then too but he didn't listen in time. 

Mao slowly reached out for that hand. He didn't deserve to take it but he was so lonely.

He yelled in surprise as Keito quickly used his hand to pull him closer, holding Mao against him in a hug instead. 

Keito never really seemed like a hugger and Mao even wriggled a bit feeling anxious before settling. When was the last time he'd been held like that? Subaru's flying hugs or Ritsu pulling him into bed to avoid being woken up weren't the same. With Keito he felt… Safe.

Mao let his eyes close. It was thanks to the sweat but he could smell Keito so strongly. As those arms tightened around him he remembered what archery did for his arms making them stronger and firmer than they looked. 

He still couldn't help wondering how pathetic he looked to make Keito feel the need to go that far. Mao did his best to ignore the burning of his eyes and the way tears started to flow. 

Mao clung onto his senior, just short of sobbing when he spoke. "I don't want Akatsuki. I want Trickstar back. I miss them so much."

Keito’s hand felt so gentle as it stroked his head, “Isara I think you’ve forgotten something. Trickstar as a unit may have disbanded but Hidaka, Akehoshi, Yuuki and the transfer student are still your friends. Your paths have not permanently split yet.”

Mao shook his head slightly, shoulders shaking. Even if Keito said that it didn’t seem right. He didn’t deserve them as his friends again. 

Keito sighed, “If you’re going to reject Akatsuki and Trickstar what do you want? You know you don’t want to be alone. Just quit running away before you even have the chance to talk. Even if they do turn away from you I’m not letting you give up on me. There were a number of reasons I requested you join my unit.

Keito trailing off really managed to keep him in success. Mao pressed his face more against Keito, uttering apologies under his breath like a chant. 

Keito scoffed and stopped his petting but let Mao stay in his arms. 

“I’m not encouraging you to round up another rebellion but I do want you to fight for your friends. I like having you by my side, but not this submissive you that has no faith in himself. I want to see you pull yourself up stronger than ever.” Keito said without any hesitation. 

Mao didn’t know if he could stand on his own. 

“And if I run some more?” Mao said, not having anywhere near as much belief in himself. 

“Then I’ll have to prepare another lecture for you. You’re a fighter and I’m in charge of reminding you of that. Your tactics are apologizing, reliability and persistence. You could do with losing that first one though.” Keito said with some humour. 

Mao finally looked up, embarrassed and moving quickly to rub at his eyes. He was going to step back to put distance between them but Keito didn’t let him go. 

“Despite everything said you’re not a coward. This would have been hard on anyone. Use that brain of yours and figure out what you want to do now. And finally earn that place on stage with us, because you’re not allowed to give up now. You’re a damn good idol.” Keito told him firmly. 

Maybe just a little Mao’s heart pounded more than it ached. He blamed that feeling of being stunned as to why he didn’t step away even though Keito did let him go. 

“We should pack up now. We’ve been here long enough.” Keito wrinkled his nose slightly to make his point. 

Mao finally backed up, picking up the ball since he knew where to put it after all. 

“Hey but… Vice President was the game really necessary? Couldn’t you just have dished out your lecture?” Mao asked, unable to help his curiosity since Keito’s motives had been so hard to figure out. 

Keito adjusted his glasses, “It was meant to be a heart to heart. Your heart wasn’t in practice but since you joined the basketball club on your own I figured you have some sort of attachment to it.”

It was such a simple and kind of silly reason before Mao could help it he was laughing, he tried to stop himself quickly expecting a scolding but Keito was just smiling again. 

“It’s been some time since you laughed so honestly. You’re giving fake smiles all the time but that one is much better. Try to do it more.” Keito told him. 

Mao tried not to drop the ball in his hand, smile becoming a bit more shy, “Uh- I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Mao didn’t let Keito’s words go to waste that time. He still had his regrets, and he still expected his friends to reject him but he was sick of doing nothing and dragging others down. 

He tracked Shinobu down within that week, the first year lighting up at the sight of him made him feel bad for purposefully not making time for him. 

“Sorry I’ve been pretty busy but I think I have a job for you if you’re still okay with helping someone like me.” Mao said, sitting next to Shinobu who pretty much immediately jumped up with sparkling eyes. 

“Of course! You are still my Lord and I will serve you as long as you will allow it, de gozaru!” Shinobu eagerly encouraged him. 

Mao smiled, reaching out to pet Shinobu’s head, the kid really was more than he deserved.

Shinobu’s cheeks dusted pink and he nodded with determination, “I will not let you down. Please bestow your mission to me.”

“Right.” Mao got a little serious, straightening up, “It’s about Trickstar. I want you to help fill me in with what’s happened to its members. And if you know anything about how 2wink and UNDEAD are doing. The student council is still trying to decide what to do with everyone who wanted to overthrow them since there’s a limit to just what penalties they can dish out… It might be uncomfortable for you but if you’re willing there’s no one else I could ask.” 

Shinobu didn’t hesitate, nodding and assuming his Ryusei Yellow pose almost completely without thought, “I will carry out your mission.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is an intentionally slow fic so i hope it's received well. mao will have a more active presence in the next fic of the series which will be fine! hokuto's time to shine. hmu on twitter im @saltysugi and there is where i tweet about my ideas/what im currently doing or often drop just random drabbles of idea. i look forward to keeping up my one fic a month streak into 2020.


End file.
